How do u do? It has been 2 years since I haven't pressed a single word into this diary of mind. Four years of vision lost sailing in the dream world of college and coming out to find that the world is indeed a place full of garbage and city lights, has suppressed the writing spirit in me. I am here once again to bring back what is mine. Though perspectives change but this time i wanna put forth some strong convictions i have learned through the whole process.

Everything is a change and change is the end of everything...

Life is a Bitter Sweet Symphony

Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah,

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Try to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the things meet yeah

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Have you ever been down?
Have you've ever been down?

from the song of the same name by Richard Ashcroft (The Verve)

On a more serious note, the following story is worthy of careful consideration:

An old man was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A battle is raging inside me ... it is a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The old man fixed the children with a firm stare. "This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."
They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old man replied: "The one you feed."

MOVIES I LOVE

INTO THE WILD
The story of a young graduate who ran away from home and set out on a journey to live in the wild in the most primitive of ways, far away from the chaos and sufferings of the world and his own. Soon, he met new people who showered on him love and the realisation that happiness is all about sharing. It is a true story scripted and directed by Sean Penn of whom I am a big fan. Good cinematography, script and an awesome background score Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedders ensures a good watch. I recommend all the confused young souls to watch this one. It will change the way you look at life.

LOCK STOCK AND THE TWO SMOKING BARRELS

A hysterical movie with all the ingredients of a perfect entertainer, directed by Guy Ritchie whose movies i can watch anytime. Four big time losers whose ultimate pink slip for big money was gambling with the local big boss but they lost it and inorder to pay back the money, carries out a raid on a gang stealing from a pot-dealer. Two other parties also join in. Money changes hands and they end up with two vintage guns. Good script and superb direction. 10 out of 10 from my side. It is the third all time grossing movie in the UK.

SNATCH

Same Guy Ritchie stuff...Story of a diamond stolen from a bank in Antwerp made its way to London where the thief engages himself in his usual betting ways, this time its the local fight club but the diamond got lost in the way- Lots of action and superb nut-cracking dialogues which made me go into hysterical fits. Jason Statham, the transporter star playing the role of a boxing promoter ends up finding Brad Pitt playing the undefeatable fighter who rages out of the blue but eventually comes under the influences of the big boss. Two stories- one of the fighting talent and the other of the diamond converges at the last.....

SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION

This movie is one of the best i have ever seen. Truly amazing are the ways of storytelling. The story of a person who ends up in a jail sentence for a crime he didn't commit. Andy Dufrense played by Tim Robbins who couldn't find a reason to live a life he had already lost, once again hope for something good in the Shawshank Prison. Ellis Boyd/Red played by Morgan Freeman who was serving a sentence for a crime he had committed when he was a juvenile, met Andy and the rest was the story about the life in the prison. For the most part of the movie, I was compelled to think deeply how life in the prison could be. That wasn't it, the movie unfolds itself at the last which is indeed a mystery. Based on the spellbounding book by Stephen King with the same name-indeed the master of suspense. The movie sends a clear message and that is "Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free...." A must watch..

SEVEN SAMURAI

One of the most beloved movie epics of all time, Akira Kurosawa's Seven Samurai tells the story of a sixteenth-century village whose desperate inhabitants hire the eponymous warriors to protect them from invading bandits. The movie seamlessly weaves philosophy and entertainment, delicate human emotions and relentless action into a rich, evocative, and unforgettable tale of courage and hope. A movie truly worthy of praise from a directorial view as well as for the script and keeping in mind that its a black and white movie made in 1954 and that too by a Japanese director, i think the movie is a work of exception in the world of cinema. A must watch by all.

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN

Directed by Steven Spielberg. With Tom Hanks, Matt Damon, Tom Sizemore, Edward Burns. Based on a World War II drama. US soldiers try to save their comrade, James Ryan played by Matt Damon, the youngest of the four Ryan brothers, three of whom had already died in the war. A unit of soldiers led by Captain Miller played by Tom Hanks went on a mission to find Ryan who was paratrooped deep inside enemy's territory. Battling through the German resistance and fighting off one war after the another, they finally found James but the mission wasn't over yet. James insisted that he will not leave his post and guard the strategic bridge which was under attack. Every war scene in this movie is worth watching again and again. I kinda like to praise Spielberg for superbly re-enacting the war scenes with every details intact. I especially like the first battle scene when the U-boats landed on the shore of Normandy amidst the German heavy artillery.

OCTOBER SKY

October Sky is a film starring Jake Gyllenhaal, the Broke Back Mountain star. It is based on the true story of Homer Hickam, a coal miner's son who was inspired by the first Sputnik launch to take up rocketry against his father's wishes. It is the true story of genius being created by dreaming big in life. Homer's father wanted him to finish his education and then later helped him in his coal mine in Coalwood village. Those days, the only way anyone can hope to get out of Coalwood and avoid the coal mines is to get a sports scholarship to college. But Homer Hickham, along with three other freinds, wants to be part of the space race and build a rocket to participate in the National Science Fair and get out of Coalwood on science scholarships, avoiding their destiny as coal miners. The film follows Homer and his buddies throughout this process, through the inclusion of the local nerd, through trig and calculus, through fights with dads, through love interests, through rockets that won't fly straight, and even being arrested. Finally they made it to the fair and then later Homer made his way to NASA. An inspiring movie for those who love to dream and dream.....

MYSTIC RIVER

A dark masterpiece directed by Clint Eastwood. Three childhood friends, Dave (Tim Robbins) Jimmy (Sean Penn) and Sean (Kevin Bacon) are reunited after the murder of Jimmy's nineteen year-old daughter, Katie. Jimmy (Sean Penn) is an ex-con running a neighborhood store. Kevin Bacon gives a solid performance as the homicide cop investigating the case while Laurence Fishburne (playing a cop) is as smart talking as ever. And Dave (Tim Robbins), married and a father yet visibly damaged by his past because of a child sex abuse, is the prime suspect. He came home the night of Katie's death covered in blood, a fact that his wife keeps secret from everyone except Jimmy. There is nothing ordinary about the script which used the murder to dig deep into the troubled psyches of three friends who grew up together. Not much to say about the ending, watch it urself...

THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES
This is a movie that traces the early travels of Marxist revolutionary Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, then a 23-year-old medical student, and his friend Alberto, a biochemist. Born in Argentina, Guevara travelled 8,000 miles across South America on an old motorcyle. During the journey he is transformed by witnessing the social injustices of exploited mine workers, persecuted communists, ostracized lepers, and the tattered descendants of a once-great Incan civilization. The book ends with a declaration by Guevara, originally born into an upper middle class family, displaying his willingness to fight and die for the cause of the poor, and his dream of seeing a united Latin America. A good background score by Gustavo Santaolalla with those terrific latino guitar notes served well along with the visual treats of latino america. The movie achieves an impressive blend of emotional resonance and light entertainment and a transformative adventure well worth watching..

THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY

Everyone must have heard of this. Always my fancy since my chidhood to be a cowboy, ride horses, shoot bullets fast enough that all u need to worry is just pull the gun as fast as u can, forget the aim. The Good aka Blondie played by Clint Eastwood, The Bad aka Angel Eyes played by Lee Van Cleef and The Ugly aka Tuco are three gunslingers competing to find a fortune in buried gold amid the violent chaos of gunfights, hangings, Civil War battles, and prison camps. The entry scenes of these three men were indeed superb. The musical score fits superbly and in my guess had become an exemplary music for all cowboy movies, even in some hindi cowboy flicks(Mithunda movies).The film's climax at the Sad Hill Cemetery remains one of my most favourite scenes. The three men, each holding guns on both hands aiming at one another making a triangle,listening to the sound of the wind, waiting to fire just as the wind stops. Watch it if u love guns and cowboys....

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE

A sweet innocent tale of a little girl whose dream of becoming a beauty queen drives her family to California to participate in the little miss sunshine pageant. A shattered family- an unsuccessful father who dreams of making it big motivating people to success, a troubled mother having a smoking problem, an unhappy step-brother who has restrained himself from speaking unless he gets out of the family to become a jet pilot, a cocaine addicted grandpa who just returned from an old age home and the mother's gay brother who just survived a suicide attempt embarked on a journey which tested and exploited everyone's emotions. A remarkable movie which reveal human emotions in subtler and refined ways with a pinch of humour to laugh it off. A good script and superb acting from every single one ensured that the movie get an oscar nominaton for best film as well as won an oscar for best supporting actor. I really love the last scene of the movie in which they drove off in the van with the music playing in the background.

School days


This is what had happened six years back during my school days. Those five years of my life would have been less tormenting, had not it been for the PT sessions. Every morning, this sadistic PT instructor by the name Amulya, who used to wake up all the students and drilled us right till the breakfast bell was the worst being I had ever come across in my whole entire life. This six feet, one inch monster with his whistle and his cane, used to run around the dormitory even when we have some five more minutes to stay in our sweet innocent dreams but the whole cacophonous scene created by him every morning made everyone rise up to their feet and head straight for the field.

I had been bearing this torture for the last two years and I found it going against my whole sense of worldly survival. I had rather started hating this bastard than surrender myself to his evil scheme and whenever I found myself disturbed by this unusual siren during my sweet interaction with this sweet girl of my class, during my dream of course, I used to curse him with all the words I can gather with the little vocabulary, I had acquired.
One day, it so happened that I was again in my wildest dreams, when I heard this usual torture coming my way when I thought, I should get rid of this time. It was a subconscious decision taken by my laziest self and I had repented later on for making that. But ok, what happened had happened for the good and without that, I would not have given a thought about writing any of my life’s craps.

So, as usual this drill-master was paying his visit and I was away from this world for sometime. Suddenly something really struck me in my half-conscious sleep and I recalled what happened yesterday. I had been missing some of the PT sessions lately pretending to be sick and going to see the doctor. It was indeed a false excuse and a stupid one too, after all I had to stand there next to the field all through the session after the check-up while all the others were doing those entire ridiculous move your body stuffs and those I want to lay you right here kind of yoga. They all looked like a bunch of monkeys just taken out of their sleeps, jumping and hopping around in their disgusting PT dresses. Some of them were really enjoying as they were laughing and showing their teeth and occasionally yawning and I wondered how many of them had ever looked into the mirror because most of the girls looked like those haggy witches. This was also a torture for me and then there used to be some fellow or the other standing next to me shivering all over, may be some really high fever or something but not cooked up. Even the really sick were not spared and indeed I felt sorry for them and used to curse that cynical bastard even more.
And so yesterday morning, I pretended to be sick and was out there watching the usual torture underway, he hold up his cane up in the air and waved at me right after the whole damn session. I walked up to him and I could see the anger in his eyes and the sweat all over his face made it worse and I couldn’t look him in the eyes and so looked down. He then chuckles at me, it was worse than the anger and he asked me, “What happened to you, my sick chap?” I stammered when I said, “Ahh, well, actually, I had this pain in my stomach, a really terrible one which might be because of the poor food that is provided here and the doctor whom I consulted during the summer-break, he told me that whenever I have this pain coming up, I should stay away……”’. “Stop the nonsense”, he yelled at me. He usually didn’t make me complete any of what I said and just barked at me,” So, you think you are the only one who is having all these problems. What about the others and look at me, I eat the same food you eat. Can’t you make some better excuse?” I was making it actually but I didn’t say anything after that. Actually I could have told him many things but this bastard was really out of his goddamn mind and not worth even a sensible chat. Then he said,” From tomorrow onwards, if you don’t pull up your pants and come here right on time, think you are dead already. I have seen many of yours, now it’s my turn. Now go ……And remember to come in your PT uniform. You don’t want to see some of my tricks with this cane in front of everyone

….Boy, I am watching you”.

A million things were running inside my head as I head back for my dormitory. The first thing that I said to myself was that I don’t fear this son of a bastard. And the second thing was that I can’t take it anymore…this whole system, the kind that was set up to educate the young minds, to bring the pillars of a so called growing society together under this temple of learning, fuck them all. I don’t think I can survive one more year in this tight shit hole. But some thought of mine told me to just let it go for the moment and just rest off. That’s what I remember all about the day that’s yesterday.
Now some conscience seemed to come my way as I saw light coming towards my horizon. I was in a dream of pure innocence, running in a field of yellow mustard flowers, the sun shining across in the horizon making the flowers shine in their truest form and the soft breeze intoxicating the air. I was in a deep trance and in my most profound state. In the distance, I could hear this sound…a sound echoing across the plain. Suddenly I remembered this sound, seemed so strange yet so familiar. The sound seems to come towards me and suddenly it stopped. I opened my eyes and before me I could see the holographic projection of a strange figure. He looked right into me and smiled. I smiled back and I focused my vision to discern who he really was. What I could see was Amulya standing right in front of my bed and breathing heavily, the whistle in his mouth and the cane on his hand.

The next thing I remembered was the hand which grabbed me, pulled me up and dragged me all the way through the stairs, through the porch leading to the teacher’s quarters, all the way across the field and finally to the front of the stupid circus, the field where everyone was standing in the usual formation. When I began to understand what was really happening, I could find myself standing in front of everyone. I looked at myself. Thank god, I was wearing my pants and my t-shirt otherwise I don’t know what it would be like if I was wearing only my shorts and my inners which I do often sleep in with. I don’t know how I looked like and I don’t really care at all. Some fellow in our class was showing this sarcastic smile at me. I thought I will smack this guy’s teeth off after the whole thing was over.

I looked across all the faces as I woke up from my half-sleep and saw one face with a different countenance piercing me through. All of the others were either grinning or could not looked right into me as they feared that they might face the same impediment which I am facing. There was a strange look in her face, a pitying look and at that moment i almost forgot about everything that had happened. She was the smartest girl in our class, not that beautiful but pretty enough. She had the eyes of an angel and the face of a child and her composure seems to be that of a simple girl but intelligent. I wished I could go back to my dream with her, me and her holding each other arms and traversing the horizon, the beautiful sun shining right across us and the flowers right near us.

Suddenly, I heard a whistle. I turned to my right but it wasn't that bastard this time. I could see Miss Kanon coming towards us. Ohh, I didn't mention this demoness earlier. She used to be the girls instructor and meant no harm to me as such but the way she talks, she kind of irritates me a lot with her rough voice and her sarcasm. I think she kind of hated boys and me especially for some unknown reason and may be that’s why she was going single even in her 35 or 40, my guess. She came right towards me and gave me a hardened look, her eyes glancing from right above her big spectacles. She said, "This time also". I tried to open my mouth and say "Yes, Miss” but something inside me told me to just shut up.